the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
