ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
