someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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