he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
