I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The beer is more important than you right now.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
