I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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