I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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