his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize