frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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