R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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