Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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