I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You should frame my arrest warrant.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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