i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
