also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
