there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
