my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
