I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
