i just wanna soil my oats bro
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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