Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
