Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
