True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
