Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize