I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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