He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
