I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
