so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
