I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
