my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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