if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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