dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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