last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
