Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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