We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize