Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
