Someone shit on the floor
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize