but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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