every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize