so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
