my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude i'm inner monologue high
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
