You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
