I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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