omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
