why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
