Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
