from now on my penis is your penis
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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