I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
