Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
