just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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