someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
