Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
