Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
