Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
