New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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