it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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