I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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