Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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