masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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