Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
what day is it and did you see me today?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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