yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
