I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Randomize
