apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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