The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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