Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
