he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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